The Romantic Conquests of Severus Snape
by Trip and Jayne
Summary: The good, the bad, the ugly, the crazy, the confusing and the just plain diturbing. A parody of all Severus Snape pairings, except SSHG. More pairings than you can fit in a summary or shake a stick at. OOCness to the MAX! repeat MAX!
1. Andromeda Tonks

Author notes: I will say this once, REVIEW. My (Trip) Mum kindly proofread this for me and Jayne and I have decided to post it under our new profile.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter x45

* * *

The party streamers flew through the air, cheers went round as the birthday boy was brought into the room in the arms of his pink haired mother. Teddy Tonks was turning two and everyone was at the party, except for the dead guys.

After a while, the toddler was put to bed and the rest of the adults broke out the champagne.

"To Teddy Tonks-Lupin, only nine years to Hogwarts," (Nymphadora) Tonks cried out

"Oh my god! you're counting?!" Ginny cried.

"Yeah, I loved Hogwarts!" Tonks retaliated.

"What was your best subject?" Hermione asked, intrigued.

"Potions by far." Tonks said proudly.

Harry and Ron cried out laughing at the thought of Potions class shenanigans.

"Ah, Severus." Andromeda sighed, "I remember going to school with him; he used to get horribly humiliated by that Potter boy. I'm sorry to say this Harry, but your father was a complete jerk." She sighed again "Everybody used to just turn a blind eye to it. Until I walked in on Severus trying to kill himself."

Several mouthfuls of champagne were spat out as the attention of the entire party turned to Andromeda, "It's true," she defended. "He cut his wrists. I mean the constant bullying, and his best friend shunning him because he showed a bit too much Slytherin pride. He was lucky I stopped the bleeding and after that our friendship blossomed."

Andromeda had a fond and wistful look in her eye.

"Until one summer we had a fling and I conceived Nymphadora."

Tonks smashed the champagne bottle in her hand.

"WHAT? ARE YOU SAYING THAT SEVERUS SNAPE, MY FORMER POTIONS MASTER, IS MY FATHER?" Tonks screamed

"Well yes, actually, that is the idea I intended to convey. Which would therefore mean that you have to change your nickname." Andromeda said matter-of-factly

"OH MY GOD! THE GREASY GIT IS ACTUALLY MY FATHER-IN-LAW!" Lupin screamed terrified

"Well yes," Andromeda said, a little frightened at all the noise.

"OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD…I HAD A CRUSH ON MY FATHER!!" (the woman formerly known as) Tonks screamed absolutely disgusted and horrified.

"Ewww!" Lupin exclaimed.

"PLEASE TELL ME YOU AREN'T SERIOUS!" (the woman formerly known as) Tonks implored her mother.

"Of course I'm not serious, you silly girl, God, you always were gullible, weren't you." Andromeda said, bursting into laughter.

No-one else at the party laughed; everybody was glaring at Andromeda, who was looking very, very frightened.

"I'm just gonna…go." Andromeda said, turning around and sprinting out of the house.

Nymphadora TONKS, walked over to her liquor cabinet, pulled out a large bottle of brandy, drank the whole bottle and passed out on the floor.


	2. Minerva McGonagall

Author notes: Yes, there may be a few mistakes, but please remember, we're only amateur humans.

* * *

The All Saints Day ball was coming up soon. And a certain Transfiguration Professor was determined to go with the love of her life. For years she had admired the stern man from afar, his powerful presence, his fine arse, his enormous hands and the laws of proportion.

She walked proudly through the dark dungeons, a box of Chocolate Cream-filled Penises tucked under her arm. She entered the dark and gloomy classroom of the Potions Professor. She looked around and saw Miss Granger, the apprentice mediwitch/potions teacher. She hid the box of chocolates behind her back.

"Have you seen Professor Snape, Miss Granger?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"Yes Professor, he's in his office investigating a new kind of poison," Hermione replied, smiling in a very knowing way.

"Thank you Miss Granger."

She walked up to the door and knocked three times.

"Enter."

She opened the door and slipped inside. She walked seductively up to Severus, who was sitting behind a gently bubbling cauldron.

"Good evening Severus," she said in her most seductive voice.

"Hello Minerva," he replied coldly.

"Severus, I found this on my desk today," she said holding out the box of chocolates, "and I thought, 'I should share these with Severus, I know they're his favourite.'"

"Thank you Minerva," Severus said, his tone unchanged as he started to dilute some of the potion in a beaker.

"And, I was wondering, Severus…would you possibly do me the honour of accompanying me to the All Saints Day Ball?" She held out the box of chocolates.

"I would love to, Minerva, but unfortunately I'm going to be at St Mungo's that night."

"What do you mean, Severus?"

He raised the beaker to his lips and drank the diluted poison. He immediately collapsed and started having fits. Minerva screamed and called for Hermione, who rushed in, threw some floo powder in the fire place, collected Severus in her arms and jumped in.

'DAMN!' Minerva thought, 'Now I'll have to take Albus'


	3. Rolanda Hooch

Author notes: Okay, who was horrified by the Chocolate cream-filled penises? Well get used to it, they re-occur quite a lot in later chapters. It's our theme.

* * *

The wind swept through his long greasy hair, the cold air of night as the bat of the dungeons flew over the black lake. The long hard instrument between his thighs keeping him up. (A/N it's a broomstick, you sick fuckers)

Yes the Potions Professor of Hogwarts, Severus Snape was enjoying a midnight fly over the Black Lake, swooping and rolling above the dark, cold waves. He enjoyed the thrill of flight, but mostly he enjoyed the solitude.

But his peace was to be interrupted. He saw in the distance a figure flying towards him. Judging by the perfection of the figure's flying, there could be no doubt that the figure racing towards Severus was Rolanda Hooch, Hogwarts' flying instructor.

"Good evening Severus, nice night for it isn't it?" the irksome woman commented.

"Quite," Severus replied curtly.

"Do you mind if I join you Severus?" the woman suggested suggestively.

"Well, yes, actually I do mind," Severus snapped.

"What do you mean, Severus?" Hooch asked, hurt.

"I mean, I take these flights to be alone, the last thing I want is some old bat hitting on me when I'm flying. It's bad enough that you hit on me at breakfast, lunch and tea," Snape practically yelled.

"Oh… I know you don't mean that Severus, you like me don't you?" Hooch said with a new lustre in her voice.

"No I don't you awful woman. You remind me of a beady eyed hawk that's been chewed up and spat out by the giant squid!" Severus yelled, trying to be rid of her.

"Severus, I know your insults are just a way of showing affection towards me," Hooch explained.

"STUPEFY!" Severus roared, wand pointed at the yellow eyed succubus.

She fell off her broom and plunged into the dark, cold waters of the lake. Her body lay there rigid, still under the effects of the stunning spell.

Severus sighed, he couldn't leave her like that. "Ennervate."

The woman began to move, suddenly she realized where she was, she kicked frantically and soon calmed down a bit.

"Severus, help me!" she called up to the man on the broom above her.

"Help yourself," he smirked and flew off towards the school, just in time for hot chocolate which had been kindly delivered to his room by a house elf.


	4. Harry Potter

Author notes: And this is the first of the malexmale chapters. Enjoy!

* * *

The one singular reason, that Mr Harry James Potter, A.K.A The boy who lived, the chosen one, saviour of the world etc. sucks at potions is because of his unavoidable infatuation with one Severus Snape A.K.A The half-blood prince, haunter of the dungeons of Hogwarts, Potions master, keeper of the zoo known as Slytherin house etc.

It was a typical potions lesson. Professor Snape had put the instructions on the board and glared at his class while they made the potion.

But Harry Potter was not looking at the board; he was looking into the gorgeous black eyes of his potions master, the fine lines of his cheekbones, his perfectly curved nose and his tender lips.

And of course his perfectly shaped- "MR POTTER WHY AREN'T YOU DOING YOUR WORK?" Professor Snape yelled at the idle boy.

"I'm sorry professor," Harry replied going to start his potion.

"There's no point in starting now! DETENTION! Now get out!"

Harry left the class with his head hung in shame. He was also slouching quite a lot, for obvious reasons.

Detention that night was cleaning the potions equipment under the watchful (and gorgeously black) eyes of Severus Snape.

After cleaning the entire set of suspiciously shaped test tubes, Harry had become rather frustrated with the tedious task. While scrubbing away at a rather dirty tube, he cursed repeatedly under his breath.

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Professor Snape roared.

"Nothing Professor." Harry replied to the man of his dreams.

"Really! Well we'll just see about that won't we?" Professor Snape remarked, drawing his (suspiciously shaped) wand "Legilimens!"

What Professor Snape saw in Harry's mind were not his memories, but his fantasies. By the time he left Mr Potter's mind, he was somewhere between death and throwing up in disgust.

"Professor I…"

"GET OUT!"

"…I…"

"OUT!"

"I love you."

"LEAVE DAMMIT!"

After the sad boy left, Professor Snape pointed his wand to his forehead and thought over his options "Obliviate or Avada Kedavra, Obliviate or Avada Kedavra…I DON'T KNOW!"


	5. Albus Dumbledore

Author notes: You may not believe me, but this was written LONG before J.K 'outed' Dumbledore. Jayne and I laughed so hard when we read to newspaper article

* * *

The dark, tall man walked through the stone corridors. He glared at every student he came across, enhancing the rumours of his evil disposition.

He approached the gargoyle and looked at it imploringly.

"Password?" The gargoyle asked with a grin.

"Oh please, just let me in, you know it's me." Severus practically begged.

"No entry unless you say the password, and the headmaster really needs to see you quickly," the gargoyle chuckled.

"Please don't make me say it," Severus begged.

"Just say the goddamn password!"

"Chocolate…cream-filled…penises," Severus said ashamedly.

The gargoyle cackled and stepped aside. Severus hopped on the moving stair case and gasped when he saw that Dumbledore had been doing renovations.

There was a new brass door knocker on the door, a small man with his legs spread wide, and a VERY large pair of testicles hanging from between his legs.

He knocked his fist on the door; he didn't really want to touch the door knocker, and waited for a reply.

"Come in," Dumbledore's voice sounded oddly seductive.

Severus walked in and sat down. He looked across the desk at the old man sitting in his dressing gown.

"Ah, Severus, have a lollipop."

Severus looked at the lollipop, it was large and long. He decided not to take one.

"No thank you" Severus replied.

"Ah well, how about a chocolate?" Dumbledore said smiling, holding out a box of chocolate cream-filled penises.

"No thank you."

"Oh well, I summoned you here tonight to ask your opinion on a certain matter." Dumbledore said getting up and moving behind Severus.

"And what is that Professor?" Severus asked, quite rightly nervous.

"Do you think I'm sexy?" Dumbledore said, throwing off his dressing gown to reveal that he was in fact wearing, stilettos, a corset top, a thong, nylons and arm warmers.

Severus screamed, "Avada Kedavra!" the green light hit the dirty old man square in the chest, killing him instantly.

And that's how Dumbledore really died.


	6. Neville Longbottom

It was detention again. Longbottom was trying to clean the cauldrons again. However he was not doing very well; he constantly dropped the cauldrons. After dropping his tenth cauldron Severus snapped.

"Damn it, Longbottom, if you can't hold onto those cauldrons properly I'll give you something else to hold onto!"

"Is that a promise Professor? Because if it is you are really getting me turned on."

"Yes, Longbottom, it's a promise."

Neville turned to the shelf holding dirty cauldrons, picked them up and dropped them all at once.

"That's it Longbottom!" Snape said pointing to a door behind him, "In the bedroom."

Neville walked suggestively towards the door past Professor Snape, who spanked him on the way.

He slipped into the room and Professor Snape followed.

"LONGBOTTOM, STOP CARESSING THAT (suspiciously shaped) TEST-TUBE!"

"Sorry, professor."

Neville then returned to his thoroughly boring detention job of cleaning the (suspiciously shaped) test-tubes, until the end of detention, when he got kicked out of the room and a box of Chocolate cream-filled penises was thrown at him just before the door slammed shut.


	7. Fred and George Weasley

Author Notes: This chapter...is extremely disturbing...enjoy R&R

* * *

The Half-blood prince was once again stalking the dungeons of Hogwarts. He was thoroughly sick of all the boxes of Chocolate cream-filled penises that had been mysteriously appearing at his office door.

Suddenly there was a huge crack; an explosion followed. He raced down the corridor to the source of the disruption.

He turned a corner and screamed in horror. George Weasley was chained to a headboard, which was attached to a huge, fluffy, penis shaped bed. Snape couldn't help but notice that George was dressed like he'd just popped out of the 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'.

"Well hello, Professor Snape, I've been expecting you." George said seductively "Would you like to join me?"

"Ooh George, I'd love to, if Fred was here." Snape replied schemingly

"Well you're in luck then." Fred said walking out of the shadows and lying on the bed next to George.

Fred was dressed in the same manner as George. Snape wasn't phased because they always dressed alike.

"Oh God, I want to see you two make out." Snape said, desperately.

The twins looked at each other for a second and they started making out furiously. Snape pulled out a camera and took about fifteen different pictures of the twins making out.

The two boys were shocked.

"Thank you." Snape said smiling "Detention! And if you EVER give me any shit in class, I'll send these photos to your mother."


	8. Sybill Trelawney

Author notes: This is actually the first chapter that Jayne wrote. I wrote 1-7.

* * *

She clutched her shawl further around her as she stumbled through the dark, a large bottle of cooking sherry and a box of chocolate cream-filled penises tucked under her arm.

She reached the correct door and knocked softly.

His voice filtered through in a harsh bark.

"Enter!"

Her knees went weak. His voice was smooth and deep. She pushed her glasses up her nose and opened the door with a soft creak.

"Severus, I was wondering, I thought, I have alcohol." She stepped forward feeling braver. "I thought I might offer."

He looked her over, his infamous eyebrow raised as he took in her appearance.

She walked up to him so that they were merely inches apart.

"I have chocolates too." She held out the chocolates, hopeful.

He was about to accept when two things happened. He caught sight of the words 'Chocolate cream-filled penises'. He paled. The second thing was that Sybill reached up to him, her bangles clanging around her wrists, and she kissed him.

He pulled away and glared down at her.

"DON'T…"

She stepped away and he followed.

"EVER…"

She banged into a desk.

"DO…"

She stumbled as he towered over her.

"THAT…"

His eyes burnt like coal.

"AGAIN!"

He was slightly shaking in anger as they reached the door.

"But Severus," she said as she stepped into the corridor. "The charts, the planets, and I saw. Us. We, we were… My inner eye foresaw."

"DID YOUR INNER EYE FORESEE THIS?!" he interrupted and promptly slammed the door in her face.


	9. Luna Lovegood

Author notes: Ooh, an anon flame, I'm really going to stop writing now. Oh wait, I've already stoppes writing because Jayne and I finished all forty-five chapters of this months ago...HA!

* * *

She was, strangely, the new defence teacher. It was, in all honesty on his part, amusing. Yes, Severus Snape found something amusing. It was five years after the War and he was still a loner off in the dungeons. By himself. All alone. No company. Zip. Nada. Nothing. And he was happy… wait, happy was perhaps too positive, too emotive a word. He was content with his situation. And despite his strongest efforts, the blonde woman was STILL hitting on him, in between, of course, lecturing him about Nargles and Crumple Horned Snorkacks. Yes, readers, you read correctly, Luna Lovegood was flirting with Severus Snape, the Dungeon Bat and Git Extraordinaire. And he despised it. He liked his solitude. He liked his cold, dark, dank, lonely dungeons. He liked his personality, bitter, insufferable, nasty, sarcastic, scathing as it was.

"Severus."

There was that irritating noise. Sorry, irritating voice. He stiffened.

"Professor Lovegood. How do you do?" he asked politely.

"Happier than a Nargle at the full moon." She looked up at him dreamily.

He shivered. He had encountered nicer images than that in the muggle horror films his apprentice Miss. Granger made him watch.

"Did you hear that?" he whispered.

"No, wait… Oh, that, that's just a lovebug. Be careful Severus, if it bites you, you'll fall in love…"

He closed his eyes. Thinking hard, he said the first thing that came into his head.

"Are you sure? It sounded more like a Winged Sand Mite," he shrugged.

Her pale blue eyes widened as she looked up at him in horror. She turned on her heel and ran away. Way away. As fast as she could. She didn't want to be bitten by a Winged Sand Mite. Anything but that!

* * *

A/N: In accordance with...whatever the hell we like, Nargles are at thier horniest at the full moon and Winged Sand Mites repel feelings of love.


	10. Bellatrix Lestrange

Author notes:...no comment. R&R

* * *

Bellatrix Lestrange was just plain crazy. Everyone knew that. It was obvious from the way she hung on the Dark Lord's words as if they were his test…hem as if they actually meant something.

When Voldemort was looking for a valet, Bellatrix was the first to apply. Being able to dress and, somewhat more importantly, undress Voldemort was her dream come true.

Unfortunately, Severus got the job. Bellatrix was not going to stand for it. She just had to see Voldemort naked, if it was the last thing she did.

She was pacing up and down her house fuming. Suddenly one of her house elves popped into the room.

"Milady, I have a cunning plan," the house elf exclaimed.

"What is it Baldrick?" Bellatrix snapped.

"Why don't you seduce the valet, just before the Dark Lord comes out of his bath, and hide in the wardrobe in order to peep." Baldrick explained

"No, that won't work. Wait, I have a cunning plan. I will seduce Severus, just before the Dark Lord comes out of his bath, and hide in the wardrobe in order to peep." Bellatrix exclaimed

The next morning, Bellatrix Lestrange stormed into Voldemort's bedroom.

"Severus! I can't hold this in any longer, I want you. I want you to take me right here!" Bellatrix demanded lustily.

"Bellatrix, get out now, before the Dark Lord sees you," Snape demanded.

"But Severus, I love you," Bellatrix lied, pinning Severus against the wooden wardrobe door.

"Bellatrix I…" Severus began before the bathroom door burst open to reveal Voldemort standing there, completely naked. Bellatrix was ecstatic.

"BELLA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY CHAMBER OF SECRETS?" Voldemort bellowed.

"My lord I…"

"SEVERUS, GET AWAY FROM MY PRISONER OF AZKABAN!" Voldemort continued.

"My lord, put your Deathly Hallows in my Goblet of Fire, and run your hands over my Philosopher's stone!" Bellatrix exclaimed.

"If the Half-blood Prince would kindly leave, we'll make love like we just destroyed the Order of the Phoenix," Voldemort actually smiled, lustily, and threw Bellatrix to the bed, tearing her clothes off her lithe body.

Severus edged out of the room slowly whilst the two lovers did the horizontal tango. He never wanted to be a Death Eater again.


	11. Draco Malfoy

Author Notes: Hmm...I wonder how many people can actually say that they've related every Harry Potter book title to sex? I can. I (Trip) wrote the last chapter. Jayne wrote this one.

* * *

It was the end of another Potions class. He'd just seen that delightful little minx Miss Granger out of his class and Draco Malfoy had stayed behind. The blonde little ferret had a very strange, very different look in his eyes. An almost a human glint shone within the pale grey depths. Snape raised that eyebrow of his and looked down his long, predatorial nose at the 17 year old boy.

Malfoy lunged forward and planted his lips upon the Professor's thin ones.

The dark haired man pushed the Slytherin prince off of his person and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.

"Malfoy, what was that?" he sneered,

"A kiss. Professor. I, I love you!"

"Are you actually insane?"

"No, I just know what I want. And I always get what I want."

"Mr Malfoy-"

"Please, call me Draco."

"Mr Malfoy, what is it that you want?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

Merlin's blue balls! The blonde boy was…he was swaying his hips. Bloody hell.

"I want…you."

He reached up to kiss the Potions Master again. The latter backed away, slid over his desk and hid behind his chair.

"Are you trying to play hard to get Professor?"

"No. I think you should leave Mr Malfoy."

"But"

"LEAVE, MR MALFOY!"

"My father won't be pleased."

"Oooh, I'm really worried."

"Just you wait."

Snape slammed the door shut.


	12. Dolores Umbridge

Author notes: Behold! More Jayney goodness!

* * *

"You first applied for the post of Defence Against the Dark Arts am I correct?"

"Yes."

"And you were unsuccessful?" she said, candy dripping from her tongue.

"Obviously," He sneered.

She'd returned to his office. After hours of course. And she had repeated her earlier questions.

"I answered you this morning you daft cow." he thought, snidely.

But he just repeated himself. "Obviously." But this time, it was a snarl and Weasley wasn't there to scoff. Pity really, he could have used the boy as some therapy.

"You know Severus, I could make a few changes here and there, I am, after all, very busy with being Headmistress AND High Inquisitor. I think I'll need someone to teach Defence for me."

He raised his eyebrow and looked down at her. He found that he- despite loathing to admit it -agreed with the Boy Wonder. Umbridge did look like a toad. The pink ribbon on her head made him cringe.

"What would you have me do in return?" he asked, slightly curious.

"Just one thing. Accompany me to the Minister's Yule Ball."

His eyes went wide in a mix of shock and fear.

"You know, I've found Minerva- the poor dear, she hasn't quite been doing too well. I don't think she's exactly coping with the strains of it all, she's not as young as myself. Surely, teaching Transfiguration and Head of Gryffindor- I mean, with that Potter boy, he most certainly is a handful. As Headmistress and Deputy Headmaster, we would most undoubtedly make a formidable team. A team in school, a team in life…" she trailed off and sighed, a wistful look in her eyes.

He blinked a few times. He wanted the job but he wasn't so desperate as to date the woman. You might as well slap leather thong on him and call him a prostitute.

"I am sorry Headmistress, but I must regretfully refuse, I believe that without my watchful eye, Hogwarts School wouldn't have a dungeon. Especially while Longbottom still lives."

They ended the evening on amiable terms though and he bid her goodnight before retiring to his sitting room to burn away the memories with a large bottle of firewhiskey.


	13. Lord Voldemort

Author Notes: This chapter is all me! (Trip)

Professor Snape looked from the mountain of presents, to the colourful party hats, to the enormous banner reading 'Happy Birthday Sevvy' that was hung across the wall, to the large number of green balloons littering the floor. Severus never understood why he hated birthday parties, but the Death Eaters throwing something like this was surely reason enough.

He looked over to the door as it opened and the Malfoy family walked in. Thank goodness, things would surely get gloomier now.

His hopes were dashed when they donned scarlet and gold party hats. SHIT.

"Happy Birthday uncle Sev." Draco said sweetly, looking at the dark man with lustful puppy-dog eyes.

Severus felt like throwing up. Again.

"Ah, Severus, 37. Congratulations on lasting so long." Lucius said maliciously

"Shove it Malfoy."

"Stop quarrelling boys," Narcissa said sweetly, "WHERE'S THE CAKE?!"

"I thought you hated cake." Lucius said, confused.

"Yeah, I've been having a really weird craving for it lately." Narcissa stated

Lucius' eyes widened and he fainted.

'Oh thank God.' Severus thought.

Suddenly the door opened again and Bellatrix pushed in a trolley with an enormous, chocolate, penis-shaped cake on top of it.

'Merlin, kill me now,' Severus thought.

Suddenly the tip of the cake exploded in a wave of whipped cream and Voldemort stood up from inside the cake. Severus could see that, other than an emerald sash, Voldemort was completely and utterly naked.

"Happy Birthday…Professor Snape,"

'I want to die.'

"Happy Birthday…Professor Snape,"

'I wonder if I can Avada Kedavra myself.'

"Happy Birthday…bat-of-the-dungeons,"

'God, I wish Potter would just kill him already!'

"Happy Birthday…to you."

Voldemort leant in to kiss Professor Snape. Unfortunately the Half-blood Prince's fist got in the way and Voldemort's…place where his nose should be… ended up spurting blood everywhere.

Professor Snape disappeared like a phantom into the shadows.


	14. Lucius Malfoy

Author notes: This is another Jayne chapter, however I insisted on including Narcissa.

* * *

"Severus?"

He turned to the silver haired, twinkle eyed old man.

"Yes, Headmaster?" he replied, his voice rich and deadly soft.

What did he want THIS time?

"My sources tell me that the Dark Lord is almost ready to attack…"

Sources? HE was the old fool's only source. The only one foolish enough to betray the slimy old bastard, that is.

"Apparently, Malfoy Senior has something to do with the plans…"

Merlin.

"Go to him. Find out what is to happen."

Again, Merlin.

* * *

"Ah. Severus. What a nice surprise."

"Yes. Always a… uh… pleasure. How is Narcissa?"

"Seven months through and absolutely loving it. I however…"

"IT'S NOT ME IT'S THE BLOODY HORMONES!" came a scream from the next room.

Severus blinked and turned to his 'buddy.'

"Lucius, old friend. You are up to something…"

"You are in no place to ask anything of me. You turned my son down."

Severus paled.

"You turned my son down. I don't actually blame you… he isn't half the man that I am… you can't possibly turn me down…"

Severus felt bile come up his throat. OH MERLIN NO!

Albino Senior sashayed across the room to him…

"OH HELL NO!"

Severus left in a flourish of black robes, a look of fear plastered upon his face.

Lucius looked at his feet, disappointed.

Narcissa slapped Lucius.

"What was that for?"

"You think I know? I'm pregnant! THAT'S BLOODY WHY!"


	15. Hermione Granger

The bell rang.

Potions class was over.

Finally.

She looked at him.

He looked at her.

She kissed him.

He kissed her back.

She sat on his desk.

They shagged.

"Hermione."

"Severus."


	16. Remus Lupin

Author Notes: Thats right, you read corectly, this is now a SSHG fic and we're going to be seeing quite a bit more of Hermione. Not in this capter though, or the next one, but the one after that...yeah.

* * *

"I'll trick ol' Snivelley pants into going down to the Shack sometime," Sirius told his friend, Mooney.

The sandy haired boy looked at the other curiously.

"But he'd get hurt."

"Well, that's the general idea."

"But it's dangerous."

"Its just Snivellus," James Potter shot over his shoulder as he left the Great Hall, Peter Pettigrew and Sirius Black in tow.

Lupin looked across the hall at Severus Snape. The dark haired, pale faced boy stared back. Remus returned to his breakfast.

Two nights later, Remus was in the Shrieking Shack when he heard a loud commotion coming from the underground passageway.

"James! Sirius! Severus? What's going on?" Remus demanded.

"Why did you have to spoil my fun?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"Because, it's irresponsible and dangerous," James reprimanded.

"Stupefy!" Remus growled, stunning the three wizards simultaneously.

He picked up the Slytherin boy and carried him back to the shack. The werewolf lay him down on the couch.

"Ennervate," he whispered softly.

"What on Merlin's beard is going on here?" Snape glared around the room. His eyes shot back to Lupin, who was looking at him hopefully.

"Severus, I wanted to tell you something, I like you."

Snape blinked.

"A lot."

"Well I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lupin, but I don't swing that way," he said, and with a swish of his cloak, he left the room.


	17. Aphrodite

And now, for something completely different.

Aphrodite rushed into the meeting hall, hot (in more ways than one) and flustered.

"You're late!" Athena, who was chairing the meeting, screamed, "What have you been doing?"

"Trojan mailman," Aphrodite said quickly clearing her throat.

Hephaestus sighed, Hera rubbed his back sympathetically.

"I can't believe it," Athena groaned.

"What was his name?" Eileithyia asked.

"Why is that important?" Aphrodite asked.

"Because, you're pregnant," Eileithyia announced.

"Oh crap," Aphrodite said.

"Do you know his address?" Iris asked.

"Um…P.O Box 42," Aphrodite recollected.

"Idiot," Athena retorted.

"What position did you use?" Ares yelled out.

"Him up against the wall!" Aphrodite replied proudly.

"I love that one!" Ares yelled out.

"Me too," Dionysus slurred.

"I prefer the um…" Zeus said backing away from Hera slightly.

Hera stopped glaring at Zeus and turned to Aphrodite. "I quite like it when you do that thing with your tongue."

Hephaestus and Athena screamed.

Athena stood up angrily, "Okay, who here HASN'T done Aphrodite?" she said raising her hand.

Hephaestus was the only other god in the entire Greek pantheon to raise his hand.

"Even you Artemis?" Athena asked shocked.

"What? I'm still technically a virgin." Artemis shrugged, "Why else do you think I run around in the woods with a bunch of naked women?"

"I feel so left out," Athena said sadly, "Why won't you do me?"

"She hasn't even done me Athena, what makes you think she'll do you?" Hephaestus asked.

"Oh come on Hephaestus," Athena replied, "it's no surprise that she hasn't done you, you're married to her and no-one does their husband these days."

"No, they don't," Zeus agreed, trying his hardest not to look at Hera.

"So, why won't you do me?" Athena persisted.

"Because," Aphrodite said, "You've got genital warts."

"No I haven't!" Athena protested.

"Yes you do!" Aphrodite said pointing at Athena, thus afflicting Athena with genital warts.

"Shit, Bitch!" Athena said turning towards the door.

"And Syphilis!" Zeus yelled.

"And Gonorrhea!" Ares added.

"And Herpes!" Helios yelled.

"And Chlamydia!" Dionysus added.

"And HIV!" Artemis threw in.

"And Aids!" Eileithyia yelled.

"And Hepatitis!" Selene added.

"And Crabs!" Poseidon yelled.

"And a wide-set vagina!" Hera added.

"I already had that, Hera!" Athena yelled, storming out of the hall.


	18. Buckbeak

Author Notes: Okay, yes, the greek gods chapter was pretty random, but it will be explained... eventually. BEASTIALITY WARNING, sort of anyway. R&R

* * *

He strolled into the enclosure of Hagrid's pet budgie, Buckbeak/Witherwings or whatever the new alias of the giant bird-horse was.

He delivered a stiff bow as Hermione watched from the sidelines with a tub of buttered popcorn, ("for entertainment snacks" she had told him.)

Hagrid was watching from the open back door wrapped in a blanket that looked to be the same size as half of the European continent. There was a large (suspiciously shaped) thermometer protruding from his lips.

Severus mentally berated himself for allowing himself into this agreement. The half-giant gamekeeper was ill and Hermione had seconded the request, with many whispered promises to be fulfilled later that night in his bed chamber, some of which had made him blush.

He remained in his bow with only the sounds of the wind through the trees and Hermione's munching on afore-mentioned popcorn.

He waited patiently for the all clear signal to be given.

Another minute passed.

"Okay, Severus, Back away now. But be careful," Hagrid coached.

"Hermione," Severus started to look up.

"Keep your head down," Hagrid warned.

Severus Snape kept his eyes to the ground as he slowly stepped backwards.

"Hermione," he started again, "What's happening?" He could hear her giggling.

"Severus, keep coming." Hagrid's voice carried over the fields. "he's…He's doing a courtship dance."

"WHAT?"

Hermione spat out her popcorn, "OH HELL NO!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Neville screamed, running into the cage.

Buckbeak slapped him away, sending him flying into the Forbidden Forest.

Meanwhile, Severus tore out of the cage, slamming the gate behind him.

Hermione threw the tub. The popcorn sailed through the air, littering the ground as the empty bucket smacked into the dark haired potion master's face.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Hagrid cried desperately, "NOT THE POPCORN!"

Buckbeak gobbled up all of the buttery goodness, chocked, vomited and keeled over and

died.

"He's allergic to popcorn!" Hagrid yelled woefully.

"Oops."

Hagrid's guttural screams and sobs echoed throughout the castle and grounds.

Severus and Hermione made a hasty escape to the dungeons, where she fulfilled her promises.


	19. Ron Weasley

Author Notes: This has got to be one of the best chapters that I have personally written, other than Bellatrix of course (How many people can say that they've related every Harry Potter title to sex?)

* * *

Harry, Ron and The Gryffindors (minus Hermione who had moved out of the Gryffindor Dormitory and into her own private chamber accessible only to herself and her bitch) sat down to breakfast one day. Somewhere between his sixth and fourteenth helping of bacon, Ron looked up at the staff table. He saw Hermione in her usual place, seated on Professor Snape's lap.

"Oh my goodness," Ron said, "Hermione is dating Professor Snape."

"You only just figured that out?" Harry said shocked.

"Honestly Ron," Seamus, the replacement know-it-all, said, "They've been banging for seven months now!"

"They have?" Ron asked.

"Yes," Neville, who was still alive for some reason, said, "Honestly Ron how can you be so thick?"

"You can talk Mr I-tried-to-interrupt-a-Hippogriff's-courtship-dance," Lavender Brown stated snidely.

"Silence you venereal disease carrying prostitute!" Ginny demanded.

"You can talk Miss I-slept-with-every-boy-in-Gryffindor-except-my-brother-and-Seamus-but-I-only-didn't-do-him-coz-he's-gay-otherwise-jump-on." Pavarti said.

"Ginny's got a point though," Brooke Rivers, the creepy hippie, said, "Lav-Lav did every boy in Gryffindor including Ginny's brother AND Seamus before he decided to be gay."

"Oh I say," Dean, who had suddenly burst into flame, said, "I do believe I've spontaneously combusted."

"What a shame," Seamus said.

"Anything we can do?" Harry asked.

"No, no can't be helped," Dean assured them.

"Ta-ra then," Neville said.

"Can I have your football posters?" Lavender asked.

"Oh of course dear, Bye." And with that he burnt down to ashes.

Anyway, back to the plot.

"Hermione doesn't hate me!" Ron protested producing a copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, "She loves me, see, it's in the book!"

"Yeah, well this is fanfiction," Harry said.

"Yeah," Seamus added, "Stop being so bloody canonical."

"But she has to love me! I know, I have a cunning plan," Ron announced to the Gryffindors.

The seventh year Gryffindors and Ginny all quickly got up and left. Ron's history in the Cunning Plan department was very much against him on this one.

Two weeks later, Ron walked into the great hall, laden with shopping bags.

"Ron?" Harry asked, "Where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?"

"I've been to te continent, darling," Ron replied exuberantly.

He walked up to the staff table and bent down on one knee in front of Professor Snape, who was gleefully incinerating a crate of chocolate cream-filled penises with his wand.

"Professor Snape," Ron said.

"What?" Snape asked harshly, turning to the red-head.

"As a token of my love, I've brought you various gifts from Europe…"

"WHAT?!" Hermione and Snape chorused.

"Onions from Spain…"

"I've already got some Spanish onions!" Snape said irritated.

"Cheeses from Holland…"

"I'VE GOT SOME DUTCH CHEESES!" Snape snapped.

"Precious stones crafted by the ancient Gauls…"

"HE'S GOT GAUL STONES GALORE!" Hermione screamed.

The whole hall erupted into laughter. Severus blushed slightly and Hermione dragged him into the dungeons, "For make-up sex" she said.


	20. Narcissa Malfoy

Author Notes: Okay, no-one tell Granger about this chapter.

* * *

Narcissa ate the last spoonful of soup and called for the next course. Her husband and son shoveled as much of the flavorsome liquid into their mouths as they could before the servants took their soup plates away and replaced them with the first course.

"So," Narcissa said, for the sake of dinner small talk, "Both of you have come on to, and been rejected by, Severus?"

"Yes," Lucius said exasperated and frustrated that this was the topic of their talk AGAIN.

"Tut tut," Narcissa said, "I can't believe that you're so behind the times."

"Behind the times? What the bloody hell are talking about? Coming onto Severus is the latest craze, no matter how much you resist you're going to follow the fashion eventually." Lucius pointed out.

"Darling," Narcissa said, "how many times do I have to tell you, the Black women don't follow fashions… We lead them."

With that, Narcissa got up and went to feed her beautiful, black-haired (suspiciously shaped) baby.


	21. Lavender Brown

Author notes: Time for some serious Lav-Lav bashing

* * *

Lavender stepped out of Professor Flitwick's office, still adjusting her cloak, and crossed his name off her list.

Three years ago she obtained a self-updating list of males in Hogwarts. Once she understood what it was, she set about sleeping with everyone on it.

There were three names left.

Ernie McMillan (Fat chance)

Horace Slughorn (Oh hell no!)

Severus Snape (BINGO!)

Lavender pulled out a large piece of parchment from her pocket.

"I solemnly swear that I am ready for sex," she said tapping said parchment with her wand.

'Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis and Aids present, The Scarlet Whore's Map' the words appeared on the parchment.

Lavender looked in the section marked 'Hufflepuff Boy's Dormitory.' Beneath the dot labeled Ernie McMillan there were two stars beside the words 'Sexiness Rating.'

She looked in Professor Slughorn's office, he only had one star

She looked at the dot labeled Severus Snape, he didn't have any stars, only five exclamation marks !!.

Lavender pulled on her invisibility cloak, formerly owned by the boy who lived (until he got a bit lustful), and raced towards the dungeons.

Lavender's map showed that Hermione was conveniently trapped under an avalanche of chocolate cream-filled penises.

Lavender slipped off her invisibility cloak and knocked on Professor Snape's Door.

"Enter!"

Lavender opened the door and walked in.

"Professor, I need your help for a little…project that I'm working on."

'Oh god,' Professor Snape thought. "Can't you ask Professor Slughorn?" He said.

"Oh no Professor," Lavender replied, "you're the only who's…qualified enough."

Professor Snape sighed, "Alright Miss Brown, how can I help you?"

"Well…" Lavender Mused, "you, me, whipped cream, handcuffs, any questions?"

"Fuck off!" Snape sneered.

Lavender turned around and saw a very enraged looking Hermione, covered in (suspiciously shaped) cream.

Hermione slapped Lavender

Lavender slapped her back.

Soon the two girls were in an intense, cream-filled pe…hem bitch fight and the entire contents of Hogwarts castle congregated outside Professor Snape's office.

Professor McGonagall, Professor Slughorn and Professor Dumbledore pushed their way through the crowd.

"Professor Snape," McGonagall nagged, "you have to stop them!"

"No, no lets not be too hasty," Professor Slughorn said.

After the fight, Hermione was sitting on Severus' desk while he tended to her battle wounds.

"So…" Hermione said, "you, me, whipped cream, handcuffs, any questions?"

"You're place or mine?"


	22. Gellert Grindelwald

Author notes: HA! Narcissa was just as popular as Hermione! so is Andromeda but thats coz all the flames from people who haven't even READ the story end up.

* * *

Severus Snape walked into his office after a hard day's work. He sat down at his desk and poured himself a glass of firewhiskey.

He sipped the strong liquid and let the sizzling heat run down his throat. He leant back and closed his eyes.

He snapped his eyes back open and looked at the end of the room.

"Grindelwald!?" Severus exclaimed in shock.

"Ja, darlink," the figure standing by the door replied.

"What are you doing here?" Severus demanded.

"I have come to claim your love, ja" Grindelwald explained.

"WHAT?" Severus screamed.

"For years I have admired you, you sexy man."

"DIDN'T YOU DIE FIFTEEN YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN?!" Severus yelled.

"No, I vas imprisoned in europe, but I have escaped for you ja."

"FUCK OFF!" Severus said in a very deep tone.

"But Severus…" Grindelwald said, advancing closer.

"OH HELL NO!" Hermione yelled, throwing an enormous book at Grindelwald.

Grindelwald smacked his head on the stone floor and died FINALLY.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Dumbledore yelled rushing his ex-lover's side weeping, "He's dead…oh well."

"Oops" Hermione said.


	23. Seamus Finnegan

Author notes: I don't own Little Britain

* * *

Seamus walked through the snow covered streets of Hogsmeade. He soon found the place he was looking for. The three broomsticks. He entered and walked up to the bar.

"A bacardi and coke please, Madame Rosemerta," Seamus said, sitting elegantly on a barstool.

"How are you Seamus?" Rosemerta asked.

Seamus sighed, "The usual. Hate mail, glares as I walk down the street; its not easy being the only gay in Gryffindor," Seamus exaggerated.

"What about Colin?" Rosemerta asked.

"Who?"

"Colin Creevey, he's gay and he's in Gryffindor." Rosemerta said pointing to Colin who was sitting in a corner, making out furiously with a Ravenclaw boy.

"No…" Seamus said looking at the pair, "I don't see the signs."

At that moment the singular object of Seamus' affection walked in. Professor Snape, Bat-of-the-dungeons, Greasy Git, Evil incarnate etc.

He walked up to the bar and ordered a drink.

"So…Professor" Seamus said.

"What?" the stressed Snape snapped.

"How are you?" Seamus asked nervously.

"Very well thank you." Snape replied curtly.

There was an awkward silence.

"Lovely weather this time of year don't you think?" Seamus asked, moving his stool closer to Snape's.

"I prefer the summer." Snape said

"Really…" Seamus said, leaning closer to Snape, "do you want to know what I prefer?"

Seamus placed his hand on Severus' thigh.

No sooner had Seamus made contact with Severus did Hermione burst into the pub.

"Sectumsempra!" she screamed.

Seamus' hand flew across the bar and landed in Ron's chunky tomato soup.

Severus and Hermione disappeared like phantoms into the shadows.


	24. Pavarti Patil

The bell rang.

Potions class was over.

Finally.

She looked at him.

He glared at her.

She kissed him.

Hermione slapped her.

"Get the fuck away from my man Pavarti!"


	25. Rubeus Hagrid

Author note… JAYNE: whoop whoop um, like… Trip you little fack, because you lost the ONLY copy of this chapter I had to re-w

Author note… JAYNE: whoop whoop um, like… Trip you little fack, because you lost the ONLY copy of this chapter I had to re-write… facker. I hand wrote it in my nicest, tidiest handwriting on a nice piece of paper ripped out from my math book… snicker and I gave it to you to take home and type up and YOU LOST IT!!(1)

HAGRID

It was, of course, his second most hated time of year (Valentines Day took the cake) It was of course Christmas, the holiday that prompted the ever-sodding-twinkling-Albus-bloody-Dumbledore to hang _enchanted _mistletoe in EVERY BLOODY DOORWAY!! As if his life wasn't hard enough with every single bloody occupant of the damned castle following him around. They were starting to get suspicious of exactly _why _Hermione was almost stuck to him at the hip every single waking moment. Though, alas, he had been stuck with Trelawney and that beady-eyed-hawk Hooch. Atleast he hadn't been caught with Ernie MacMillan (could he possibly BE more obvious?) Snape stalked through the doorway into the Entrance Hall not noticing that Hermione had stopped to tie her shoe and froze when he heard a gruff growl. He turned and cringed.

"'Allo there Sev'rus. Fancy seein' yeh 'er."

Severus gulped.

"An' would yeh look a' all 'is pretty mistletoe 'angin' in the doorway?" Hagrid growled in what could only be an attempt at a husky tone.

Severus shuddered as Hagrid reached down.

"Ooooooooh. Hi Professor Snape, Heya Hagrid."

Hermione. Thank Merlin.

She pecked the half-giant on the cheek and pressed her lips to the Potions Master's before dragged the latter out of the doorway and down to the dungeons.


	26. Dean Thomas

Dean Thomas had long admired the great and austere personage that was Professor Snape.

Unfortunately, Dean spontaneously combusted during chapter 19 so, he never got the chance to show his love.

Pity really.

It would have worked.


	27. Arthur Weasley

Author notes: This chapter is kinda weird, and yes, we made Ernie McMillan gay.

* * *

Arthur knew he shouldn't be doing this, but it was so fascinating. He was exploring an abandoned muggle house. He opened a door and looked in the next room. It appeared to be some kind of library. He picked up a book and read the title, 'The complete Kama Sutra.' He wondered what it was.

'Molly'll probably know' he thought, ' but I can't let her know that I've been here. I know; I'll ask Severus.'

Arthur knocked on Severus' door.

"Enter."

"Severus," Arthur said entering his office, "I found this muggle book and I was wondering what exactly it's about."

Arthur placed the book on Severus' desk. Severus read the title and his eyes widened.

"um…it's a text book." Severus said nervously.

"Really?" Arthur asked, "What sort of text book?"

"uh…Biology." Severus said, hoping to rid himself of the red-headed embarrassment.

"Oh how fascinating, I would love to learn the muggle views on biology, will you teach me Severus?"

"No!"

"Oh please?"

"NO! look why don't you and Molly go through it together." Severus said desperately.

"Good idea Severus, thanks."

Once Arthur left, Severus broke out the firewhiskey.


	28. Peeves

Author note: Mmm mmm! More Jayney goodness!

* * *

"And why did I agree to attend this hormone fest?"

It was Valentine's. And Dumbledore had arranged a ball. ("All in the name of love" the old man had reasoned.) That and the fact that since being recently 'Outed' the Headmaster had decided that it was time to decorate the castle. "Love is in the air" and "Love is all around" played on a continuous loop, filtering through the walls and could even be heard in the deepest of the dungeons. Severus turned to Hermione and looked at her as if it were all her fault that the hormone riddled teens pranced around flirting and giggling.

"Page 394 of the Kama Sutra," she whispered back, "That is why you are here."

The doors of the great hall burst open and Peeves floated through, laden with an Hagrid sized picnic basket. The poltergeist attempted to catch the eye of the newly appointed eye candy.

"Well, is it just me Snapey Snape, or do you look like sex wrapped up in black paper, ready to be ripped open?" With that the floating prankster started throwing small bits of food at afore mentioned eye candy in a teasing, flirtatious way.

Hermione caught each bit of food on the rebound and popped it in her mouth.

It was only after she had consumed popcorn, toast, strawberries, pickles, globs of mayonnaise (she'd licked it off his face), some cheese, a banana and chocolate chip muffin, a handful of nachos, some fried potato, smoked ham and some pasta that the dark haired Potions master lost his patience.

"PEEVES! WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!"

Peeves did a forward roll in mid air. "I'm head over heels for you." He then stood and floated so he hovered before Snape and Hermione. He puffed out his chest and began to sing:

"Oh Snapey Snappy,

I'd love to make you happy,

What I'd make you think,

Is lower than the sink,

You're handsome and no dummy,

You're also kind of funny,

You're the master of potions, I love you

I hope you say you love me too…"

The students stared.

Hermione grabbed the picnic basket and ate the crumbs of the feast so meticulously prepared by the lovesick poltergeist.

Severus stared at her.

"What?"

"Are you pregnant?"

"What? Uh…no."

She threw the empty basket at the poltergeist and knocked him through the wall.

Hermione then claimed the rest of the dances of the evening before retiring to show Severus page 394 of the 'Kama Sutra.'


	29. The Fat Lady

Author notes: Further Jayney goodness

* * *

Severus was severely pissed. The woman who had re-enacted page 394 of Karma Sutra had gone to Gryffindor tower to "hang out" with her friends- the boy who lived, and lived and lived to flirt with him and the recently lovesick redheaded Weasley who followed him like a puppy. Hermione was supposed to be tied to his bed. But no. she was in Gryffindor tower. And he wasn't.

He sneered and stood up. He stalked out of the Great Hall and up to the afore mentioned tower.

He cringed.

Tucked away in the corner of the Fat Lady's portrait was a box of chocolate cream-filled penises.

"Why, if it isn't Professor Snape," the Fat Lady giggled. She actually giggled at him.

"M'Lady. I was hoping to enter the room behind you."

"Why Severus, you know I cannot allow you that without the password."

He furrowed his brow, the bloody password.

"Ah well you could do… something else." She smiled down at him. "Yes. I'm sure I could think of something." She smiled again, in what he thought was supposed to be a seductive "come hither" sultry pout.

He watched as she turned away and adjusted her dress. She turned back and his eyebrow raised as he took in the sight of the painting's cleavage. She bent down so that his face was at the same level as her bosom. She puckered her lips and he stepped away as the portrait swung open.

"Hermione!" he didn't think he'd ever been as happy to see her as he was now.

She smiled up at him. She grabbed his hand and dragged him away before Ron caught sight of the dark haired enigma that was Severus Snape.


	30. Pomona Sprout

Author notes: Tee hee, I wrote this one, sorry to all the Sprout fans!

* * *

The large, grey-haired woman walked slowly through the dungeons, a large crate levitating in front of her. She had to be very careful; if she were to let the plant out of the crate she would surely be eaten faster than Severus rejects his suitors.

She reached the office door and knocked.

"Enter"

She felt weak, and at the same time strengthened. A growl rose from her throat. The plant rattled in its crate like a boggart in a brothel. She opened the door and walked into the office.

"Severus, I have that lust-eater for you," she said.

"Thank you Professor Sprout." Severus said blushing slightly (A/N Lust-eater: A carnivorous plant known to attack and devour any being nearby which is having strong feelings of lust. Mostly used for aphrodisiac potions.)

"I also brought you something else," Sprout said seductively.

She pulled a box out of her robes. As soon as Professor Snape saw the all too familiar box of chocolate cream-filled penises, he ripped his shirt off, showing his magnificent muscles to the now, more than ever, aroused Professor Sprout.

His plan worked.

The lust-eater burst out of it's crate, flew at Professor Sprout, and swallowed her and the chocolate cream-filled penises whole.

"Well, that was easy." Severus said.


	31. Molly Weasley

Author notes: tee hee hee, can you imagine?

* * *

Molly placed the Celestina Warbeck CD in the small box on top of the ghastly baby blue knitted jumper she had made. She wrapped the box and labelled it, 'Dear Fleur, Merry Christmas, Love Mum and Dad Weasley'. She stood back and cackled maniacally.

"Molly, dear?" Arthur, who had just walked in, asked.

"Yes?"

"Why are you cackling?"

"Oh, Witch Weekly said that it has a proven stress relieving effect, I thought I might try it." Molly explained.

"Oh right," Arthur said, "how's all the Christmas stuff going?"

"Good, I just have to wrap Severus' present." Molly said cheerfully.

"What did you get him?" Arthur asked.

Molly just tapped her nose and started wrapping his present.

"Oh and Molly, there's something else I've been meaning to ask you," Arthur said hesitantly.

"What's that, love?"

"Why do you make those ghastly jumpers for people when you can do so much better?"

"I make them, Arthur, because then people feel obliged to wear them and I can laugh at how stupid they look," Molly explained with an evil grin.

Christmas day soon came around and everybody was at the Burrow, for some reason. Severus personally couldn't understand why he was within five hundred yards of the deranged family of red-heads. He looked over at Hermione, who was standing next to a large bookcase. He noticed on the bookcase a copy of 'The Complete Karma Sutra'.

'Oh yes,' he thought, 'THAT is why I'm here.'

"Alright, alright," Molly said, rushing into the room, "it's time to open the presents."

Everyone gathered around in a circle as Molly handed out various presents. Within five minutes, everyone except Severus was wearing some kind of ghastly knitted garment. Severus looked down at the festively wrapped box sitting in front of him.

"Well go on, Severus," Molly said, smiling. "Open it."

Reluctantly, Severus unwrapped the box, inwardly cringing at the thought of having to wear a ghastly knitted jumper or scarf.

When Severus lifted the lid off the box his eyes widened and his face flushed. Instead of the usual knitwear, Severus found a black leather thong, whip, spiked strap and fluffy black handcuffs. Severus looked at Molly in horror.

Molly winked, "Just a thank-you for the text book."


	32. Lily and James Potter

Author notes: I own Bob, and if you use him/her/it, i'll hunt you down and make you beg for a visit from him.

* * *

Severus was just sitting there in the shrieking shack after Nagini's attack, slowly drifting into darkness. All was dark, until.

_Hem hem_

Severus snapped his eyes open and stepped out of his body, "Umbridge?" he asked incredulously.

Indeed Dolores Umbridge was standing before him in what appeared to be the policewoman outfit from chapter two of 'Shenanigans' by Jayne.Doe.

"Actually," Umbridge said in a deep masculine voice, "my name is Bob, I'm Death's second apprentice, I've come to escort you to the afterlife."

"Why are you imitating Umbridge?" Severus asked.

"I'm supposed to be something fearful and scary… I think this works don't you? also," Bob explained, "Dumbledore from chapter five and Voldemort from chapter thirteen are already taken."

"Quite…wait, second apprentice?" Severus said.

"Yes," Bob replied.

"You mean that I just died a…heroic, martyristic death and I'm getting served by the SECOND apprentice." Severus yelled.

"Excuse me?" Bob said, "But you're pretty high up on the food chain to be served by me thank you very much…besides, Death and Reggie, the first apprentice, are too busy making sure Voldemort stays dead."

"Fine, let's go." Severus said, exasperated.

A while later, Severus was standing alone in a large, empty field.

"Well this is boring…" Severus said.

Severus heard a woman scream. He turned around to be pounced on by the late Lily Potter.

"Thank you Thank you Thank you!" she screamed, smothering him with kisses, "thank you so much for looking after Harry!"

Severus felt a strong pair of arms wrap around him from behind. James Potter's face pressed against his.

"Thank you for saving him all those times," he said squeezing Severus' torso tighter.

"I wish I was dead!" Severus cried in despair from the middle of the two dead people hugging him.

"But Severus darling," Lily said, grinding up against him, "you are dead."

"Well, I wish being dead wasn't such a bloody social occasion!" he yelled.

_Hem hem_

"I never thought I'd be glad to hear that." Severus said, twisting out of Lily and James' embrace and facing Bob.

"There's been a mistake," Bob said sheepishly.

"What?" Severus demanded.

"Um… you're not actually dead," Bob explained, "You're very badly injured, but you're not dead."

"Oh thank god!" Severus said, "let's go."

Severus woke up suddenly in the hospital wing. He looked around at the various get well gifts and cards. He jumped when he saw Harry Potter sitting by his bed, gazing at him…lovingly.

"So…" he said, "you really like my eyes huh?"


	33. The Sorting Hat

Author notes: This one is just plain disturbing

* * *

Severus watched as the first years lined up at the front of the hall, waiting anxiously to be sorted. Severus cringed as the mouldy old hat and stool were brought in by Mr Filch, Severus could still remember what had happened at his sorting.

Flashback

"Snape, Severus," Professor McGonagall called out.

Slowly and nervously Severus walked up and sat on the stool. Professor McGonagall placed the hat on his head.

"Well," the hat whispered, "you're a sexy one, I know exactly where to put you. SLYTHERIN! Call me sometime."

End Flashback

Severus shuddered, he was just grateful that he hadn't had to deal with the sorting in all his years of teaching.


	34. Sirius Black

Author notes: Another Jayne chapter and another beastiality warning

* * *

Snape felt something slam into his side. he looked down to see a large dog humping his leg.

"BLACK!" He roared. "STUPEFY!"

The dog fell away, knocked unconscious and melted into the human form of Sirius Black.

"Can't a man collect ingredients in peace?" he muttered to himself, walking further into the forest.


	35. Moaning Myrtle

Author notes: More Jayneness

* * *

He wasn't in a girls' bathroom. He wasn't even on the second floor. And yet, there she was. Flying around him. Swooping down at him. She was complaining. She was moaning (again) about how no one ever came to visit her anymore, so she'd decided to visit the man of her dreams.

"Boy Wonder is over there." he pointed at Harry Potter- the boy who kept on bloody living.

She giggled. "Silly Sevvie-poo." Her ghost eyes glittered through her ghost glasses as she gazed down dreamily at him.

"Oh, go flush yourself!"

He glared at the ghost and stalked out of the hall.


	36. Horace Slughorn

Author notes: This is an entirely new chapter which was not written/posted last time, enjoy.

* * *

Severus looked at the chapter title.

"OH HELL NO!" he screamed, running down the corridor, leaping through the window and flying off into the night.

"Severus?" Professor Slughorn wondered aloud, rounding the corner into the corridor, carrying flowers, a box of chocolate cream-filled penises and a love song that he had personally written for Severus. He sighed when he saw the Severus shaped hole in the window. "Why does this always happen to me?"

"Because you're fuck ugly," Trip said.

"Also," Jayne said, "what kind of men write love songs?"

"Men whose mother's made them go to ballet classes," Trip replied.

Slughorn burst into tears.

"Oh my god, are you actually wearing eyeliner?" Jayne asked.

Slughorn nodded.

"Jayne," Trip began, "remember how you promised to kill someone for me?"

"Yes," Jayne replied, "do you want me to kill Professor Blubberhorn here?"

"No, I want you to kill Justin Finch-Fletchley, I find him incessantly annoying. I shall deal with Horace myself."

"Fair enough," Jayne said, "I'm off to the kitchens, I'm hungry."

"Bye," Trip said, staring at Slughorn menacingly.

"Oh chicken salad, you're so good, you are food, to be eaten…" Jayne sang as she merrily strolled to the kitchens.

Professor Slughorn began to quake with fear.


	37. Filius Flitwick

Author notes: This one takes a while to get to the point but yeah... get over it.

* * *

After his short fly, Severus re-entered the castle through the great oak entrance doors.

"Severus?" Hermione said, walking out of the great hall, the top buttons of her blouse undone to show her cleavage off quite nicely.

"Hermione, just the person I was looking for," Severus said suggestively.

Hermione chuckled, "How about we go to my chamber and…discuss the next few lessons in that text-book."

"If that's what you want to call it…" Severus began; he was, however, cut off by a loud scream coming from Horace Slughorn, who was in the process of falling down a ten story stairwell. He hit the ground and died on impact.

"Weird, I think it and it happens," Severus said, "Shall we go?"

"Avada Kedavra!" The scream came from the kitchen, in a burst of emerald light, Justin Finch-Fletchley came flying through the doors and smashed into a wall.

"Have I died and gone to heaven?" Severus asked.

"Not likely," Hermione said, "if you had, I'd be an M-cup."

Severus laughed.

Suddenly, someone burst out of the Great Hall, "Engorgio!" they yelled before running off. Hermione's breasts enlarged to an M-cup.

"Damn you Dennis Creevy!" She screamed at the fleeing boy, "Detention!"

"And fifty points to Gryffindor!" Severus added.

"Don't you mean from Gryffindor?" Hermione asked.

"I've made my decision."

"Well," Hermione said, pushing her breasts together, "do you think we could have another fifty points?"

"Take five hundred," Severus said, transfixed.

"I could get used to this," Hermione said, "lets go."

Severus and Hermione rounded a corner into the next corridor, they heard a squeak. They looked down to see Professor Flitwick dressed like Dumbledore was in chapter 5.

Flitwick blew a kiss to Severus, winked, licked his finger and ran it down his body, making a hissing noise.

Severus ran up and kicked the creepy little goblin-thing, sending him flying through the window at the end of the hall.

"Have you ever thought of playing football?" Hermione asked shocked, "seriously, you could make Manchester United."


	38. Ginny Weasley

Author notes: And this one wraps up the Weasleys

* * *

Severus looked at the red-headed girl standing seductively behind his desk.

"Okay, why exactly are you coming on to me?" Severus asked, "I mean, in the six years that you've been at this school we've had literally nothing to do with each other."

"Oh," Ginny replied, adjusting her pose to show off her flat-chestedness, "I just didn't want to be the only person in my family not to have come on to you."

"What about Percy?" Severus asked, "Or Charlie or Bill or Fleur?"

Ginny giggled suggestively, she reached between her A-cups and pulled out her (suspiciously shaped) wand. She pointed it at a large cupboard on the wall beside her.

The doors opened and Percy stepped out, holding a box of chocolate cream-filled penises. Ginny pointed her wand at another cupboard, Charlie walked out wearing a set of very Chapter 5, 7 and 37ish clothes. Ginny pointed her wand at a third cupboard, Bill and Fleur walked out, brandishing whips and dressed in nothing but thongs and nipple tassels.

The Weasleys all struck seductive poses.

"GET OUT!" Snape roared.

As the Weasleys filed out of his office, Hermione, who had returned her breasts to their original size after she found it physically impossible to read, edged her way in, smiling sweetly.

Severus huffed, "Am I the only person in the world to have had the entire Weasley family come on to me?"

"Oh no," Hermione said sympathetically, "Dumbledore had exactly the same problem."

Severus gagged.

"You should just be glad that their Aunt Muriel hasn't come on to you yet." Hermione said smiling.

"Eugh, I thought she was dead," Severus said.

"She is," Hermione said, "But that doesn't seem to stop many people, now does it?"


	39. Pansy Parkinson

Author notes: Jayne's idea, not mine.

* * *

Pansy Parkinson was, in short, Slytherin's answer to Lavender Brown. She had made her way through (I mean on) every boy (and some girls) in Slytherin. 'Cept, of course, for anyone younger than 4th year. Now she was contemplating moving onto the Ravenclaws.

Until, that is, she remembered one last eligible Slytherin. She smirked and began on her plan to sink her talons (I mean fingers) into the dark and mysterious Potions Master-cum-Slytherin Head. (No pun intended) There was however, one great flaw with her plan to seduce Professor Snape. Hermione bucktoothed Granger. However, when she heard of her plans to spend sometime with Ginny Weasley she knew she had her chance and it wouldn't happen again. She sauntered into the potions classroom. She sighed softly while taking in the sight of Snape standing over a bubbling cauldron stirring the potion. The top few buttons of his shirt were undone and his sleeves were rolled up. She admired him quietly. The way his full concentration was on the task at hand. She'd soon change that.

"Professor Snape..." she purred as she approached him.

He looked up and eyed her suspiciously. The Potions Master and object of everyone's affections raised that eyebrow of his before returning his focus to the potion. She swallowed hard and hitched her skirt up a few inches. She quickly undid the top two buttons of her blouse, revealing her cleavage (Because she, unlike Ginny, actually HAS some) to anyone who dared look.

Pansy coughed.

"Detention Miss Parkinson." he said as he looked up.

Her eyes lit up.

"With Mr Filch."

Her smile fell to a pout.

"And so you know, he was a Slytherin too."

Author notes: Yes, we KNOW he's a squib! Severus is lying! It adds to the dramatic effect


	40. NearlyHeadless Nick

Author notes: Again, Jayne's idea.

* * *

"So, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, I was wondering."

"Yes Master Snape?"

"You're nearly headless." he stated.

"Correct. Blunt axe, very painful."

"Indeed. Well I was wondering, is it true, that you're nearly headless in other places too?"

The Gryffindor ghost smiled.

"Why Severus, I thought you'd never ask." The ghost reached for his fly. "Do you want to see?"

The living man paled. "Perhaps another time." he lied before fleeing from the hall.


	41. Argus Filch

Author notes: Okay... My (Trip) Mum asked, somewhat jokingly, that we write a Filch chapter. So Jayne did.

* * *

"Right. I know you're out there you little trouble making miscreants!"

Mr Argus Filch, caretaker of Hogwarts was prowling through the dark corridors, searching for students out of bed.

A suit of armor clanged and Filch spun around. "Who is it? Would it be Potter? Or maybe young Master Malfoy? Come out." he ordered.

Snape slunk towards the feeble man.

"Professor Snape."

Oh Gods. Was that a smile on Filch's face? Severus shuddered as he performed legilimancy on him...

Oh Gods. Oh Hell No!

"I was hoping I'd find you somewhere."

Severus resisted the urge to vomit.

"Of course, Mr. Filch, but I am very busy and will have to talk to you another time."

With that, Snape stalked away from the Caretaker and went to his rooms where he went on to have nightmares for the rest of the week.


	42. Alastor Mad Eye Moody

Author notes: Ever heard the term, "mentally undressing?"

* * *

It was dinnertime at 12 Grimmauld Place. And Molly had cooked up a storm.

He looked across the table.

Moody was watching Severus' plate with what almost looked like anticipation. He was watching with both eyes.

"Professor Moody," Ginny Weasley began innocently, "What can your eye see through?"

"Well," he continued to stare at the Potions Master's plate. "Everything, food, china plates, tables and even clothing." He smirked up at Severus who went bright, Gryffindor red.


	43. Dobby

Author Note: We do not own any characters… and personally I (Jayne) am not into inter-species relations… (I don't know about Trip) but whatever floats your boat and I figure, hey, it'll be a laugh…

Jayne

* * *

A pop alerted the formidable Potions Master to the arrival of a house elf, and as he heard the following crash, he rose from his seat to inspect the damage. The crash hadn't been all that damaging… just a chair knocked over. It was the scene that was damaging… traumatizing… Dobby, wearing a bright pink and turquoise bra and thong set with matching suspenders and little fishnets.

"What can I be getting the Master?"

It was at this moment that Severus dry-retched.

"Nothing, Dobby, your _service_ is not required tonight."

Dobby pouted.

Severus paled as he recognized lipstick around the elf's mouth.

"Goodnight Dobby."

With another pop Dobby the House Elf was gone.

And finally he allowed himself to retch on the carpet.


	44. Quirinus Quirrell

Author notes: Yeah, we're sorry, at least I (Trip) am, that it took so long to update with Dobby, computer problems.

* * *

Sometime in the 1988-1989 year… you know, two years before the golden trio came to Hogwarts.

It was breakfast, and Severus was trying to enjoy it. However this proved difficult with Sybill sitting next to him and jabbering at him.

"…my inner eye did foresee this spell of madness…"

She was of course referring to Professor Quirrell who had recently turned sub-clinically neurotic, or as a psychiatrist would say, "stark staring bonkers!"

"…and honestly, after teaching muggle studies for ten years who didn't see this coming, it's a joke of a subject…"

"And divination isn't?" Severus thought, smirking.

The smirk was wiped off his face, however, when Professor Quirrell ran into the hall wearing a long beige trench-coat, a scarf on his head, and sunglasses. He ran up to Severus.

"Look very carefully, I shall show this only once," he said, in a bad French accent.

He pulled open his trench coat, revealing that he was wearing nothing beneath it. He closed the coat and ran off giggling.

"Holy crap!" Sybill exclaimed, "He's a tripod!"


	45. Mundungus Fletcher

Author notes: Jayne's chapter

* * *

"And what can I do for you tonight Fletcher?"

"O-Grade dragon's blood, 10 galleons a phial, or, unicorn tail hairs, 3 sickles for two strands"

"No thank you, Fletcher, I can get a better deal for such substandard ingredients."

"Actually 'Fessor Snape, I was hoping to sell you something else."

"And what would that be?"

Mundungus Fletcher did a small turn and spread his arms.

"Again, Fletcher, I'll have to decline. I'm not interested in what you have to offer."

He swept away and Mundungus watched as he gave Hermione a quick kiss on the cheek, and a squeeze of the buttock, before leading her upstairs.


	46. Alecto and Amycus Carrow

Author notes: This one was a real spur of the moment thing

* * *

"…so basically keep an eye on them but don't get involved and make sure no one gets hurt," Severus said to Trip and Jayne as they walked speedily through the corridors.

They stopped in front of a broom cupboard from which a large amount of suggestive noises came. Severus whipped his wand out and magically blasted the door open. He shuddered when he saw who was in it. Alecto and Amycus Carrow in a very sexual position.

"Well hello, Severus," Amycus said.

"Would you like to join us?" Alecto asked.

"Wingardium Leviosa!" Severus yelled, levitating the pair and hurling them out of the nearest window. "What is it with this castle and incest?"

"I dunno," Jayne said, "but it's making me wish you were my brother."


	47. Nymphadora Tonks

Author notes: When a lady comes a calling.

* * *

Severus sat in his office, bored out of his mind. Hermione had gone away on a holiday with Potter and Weasley, no partners allowed. Of course the Weasley girl had tried to make the most of Hermione's absence. She now lies in hospital, courtesy of Jayne Doe.

There was a knock at the door.

"Enter," he said, suspiciously.

The door opened to reveal Andromeda Tonks, "Good afternoon Severus," she said.

"Andromeda," Severus said, surprised. "Do have a seat; to what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Well," She said, sitting in an armchair and accepting a cup of tea Severus had conjured, "A little bird told me that Miss Granger had gone on holiday, leaving you all alone."

"Alas," Severus said, as Andromeda added milk and sugar to her tea, "it's true"

"You must be terribly lonely," Andromeda said, "I know I was when Ted died. I'm so glad that Nymphadora and Remus were miraculously resurrected in a manner that will be explained at the end of 'The adventures of Trip and Jayne.' But that could take forever to reach considering that only one chapter is up, and has been for almost three months, and there's no sign of the next one."

"Oh shut up!" Trip screamed through the wall from the next room.

"Well, yes," Severus said, "it does get rather lonely."

"Then I have a proposition for you," Andromeda said, "how about you and I re-enact that fling we had 25 years ago."

"Well," Severus said blushing, "we might need more time than we've got because, lets face it, neither of us is as young as we were and considering all the things we did and DAMN IT NYMPHADORA I KNOW IT'S YOU!"

"Oh for goodness sake," Nymphadora said, changing her appearance from her mother's back to her own and sitting back in the armchair. "How did you know it was me?"

"Andromeda always has her tea black," Severus said, angrily.

"So did you actually sleep with my Mother?" Nymphadora enquired.

"Several times," Severus replied.

"And did my father ever know about this?"

"Your father joined in," A voice behind Tonks said.

Nymphadora spun around and there, in the doorway stood the real Andromeda Tonks.

"Joined in?" Nymphadora asked in shock.

"Yes," Andromeda said, "and let me tell you girl, you haven't lived until you've had a kinky threesome with the sexiest man in the universe and the man you're going to marry."

Nymphadora looked disgusted, until she had a brilliant idea,

"Where's Remus? And Sirius?" she asked.


	48. Gilderoy Lockhart

Author note… and its actually longer than most of my others methinks… but it is 3 in the morning so I (Jayne) might be imagini

Author note… and its actually longer than most of my others methinks… but it is 3 in the morning so I (Jayne) might be imagining things… eugh. And work in 2 and a half hors. Joy of all joys. But these freaking bunnies wouldn't let me sleep. shoots all bunnies bloody nagging plot bunnies. (not that there is much of a plot with this story…)

He hated the fortnightly deliveries of potions to St Mungos. Slaving away in a freezing cold room over a boiling hot cauldron when he could be in a nice warm bed over a hot Hermione. He thought of his lover, probably curled up on the couch with her pretty little nose buried in a new book. He stalked through the corridors, the potions in his arms were dreamless sleep, they helped the patients to rest easy. He turned a corner and came face to face with one the long term hospital patients. Former Professor Gilderoy Lockhart.

"Gilderoy," the Slytherin started amicably, "Good to see you."

"Not as good as it is to see you," The invalid replied with a wink. "You know, you don't need those."

"Need what?" he asked bluntly.

"Those love potions," Gilderoy sauntered up to Severus and leant in close. "I already love you." He whispered into the Potions Master's ear.

Severus shuddered, what little color in his face left and he turned away.

SMACK!

Severus dropped the crate of potions as he felt the celebrity's hand connect with his own black clad backside.

With that he fled back to Hogwarts, past Hermione on the couch to his lab to begin the brewing process for a dreamless sleep potion for his own personal use.

"Gilderoy Lockhart made a move on me!" he hollered to answer Hermione's unasked question.

Her laughter reverberated through the cold stone.

"Not helping!"

A/N I know, I know Severus is a rude wanker, but I figure in a public setting he would be courteous to his former co-worker. Because despite his rude wanker status, (the ever so sexy) Severus strikes me as being a man with impeccable manners… in the books, did he ever use contractions? Nooooooooooooooooo, YO FACE!


	49. The Grey LadyHelena Ravenclaw

Author note: Alright, I had to change the summary because we can't fit all of the pairings in, so just look at the chapter titles for the pairings. This particular chapter is dedicated to my (Trip) mum who asked us to write a Grey Lady chapter but we never did so now I've written one. Also, after the first paragraph everything is copied directly from Gilbert and Sullivan's 'The Sorcerer' which you should all listen to in order to understand this.

Disclaimer: J K Rowling is a lovely woman. I am unfortunately neither lovely nor a woman so I don't own Harry Potter and Gilbert and Sullivan are dead so I don't own The Sorcerer, but that's out of copyright anyway.

* * *

Severus ran into the astronomy classroom and slammed the door shut behind him, his face even paler than usual. That morning he had tried to cast a spell that would make Weasley, Potter and Girl Weasley know what it was like to have everyone hitting on them. Unfortunately, but, predictably, the spell backfired, and now everyone in Hogwarts was falling in love with each other. Hermione had fallen for Ron, Potter had fallen for Girl Weasley, Draco was doing Asteria Greengrass, Finnegan was shagging McMillan (not that that was news) and Longbottom and Abbott were romping around the green houses. The spell also made everyone start singing as is they were in a nineteenth century operetta, none were able to resist it, even the ghosts.

"Oh, I have wrought much evil with my spells, and ill I can't undo! This is too bad of you, Severus. T. Snape--what wrong have they done you?" Severus sang, he then noticed the Grey Lady of Ravenclaw floating through the wall. "And see--another love-lorn lady comes--alas, poor stricken dame! a gentle pensiveness her life benumbs--and mine, alone, the blame!"

"Alas, ah me! and well-a-day! I long for love, and well I may, for I am very old and grey, But stay!" The grey Lady cut off when she laid eyes on Severus. "What is this fairy form I see before me?"

"Oh horrible!" Severus sang, "She's going to adore me! This last catastrophe is overpowering!"

"Why do you glare at one with visage lowering? For pity's sake, recoil not thus from me!" The Grey Lady sang, advancing on Severus.

"My lady, leave me--this may never be!" Severus resounded in his sexy baritone, "Hate me! I drop my H's—'ave through life!"

"Love me! I'll drop them too!" Helena Ravenclaw sang.

"Hate me! I always eat peas with a knife!" Severus sang.

"Love me! I'll eat like you!" She replied

"Hate me! I often roll down One Tree Hill!" Severus sang.

"Love me! I'll meet you there!" Helena sang.

"Hate me! I sometimes go to Rosherville!" Severus sang.

"Love me! that joy I'll share!" Helena resounded in her ancient contralto, "Love me! My prejudices I'll forever drop!"

"Hate me! that's not enough!" Severus sang, defiant.

"Love me! I'll come and help you in the lab!" the Grey Lady offered.

"Hate me! the life is rough!" Severus replied.

"Love me! my grammar I will all forswear!" Helena sang.

"Hate me! abjure my lot!" Severus sang.

"Love me! I'll stick sunflowers in my hair!" Helena said, running her ghostly fingers through her ghostly hair.

"Hate me! they'll suit you not!" Severus sang, disgusted. Suddenly, he had an idea "At what I am going to say you must be not enraged--I may not love you--for I am engaged!"

"Engaged! Engaged!"

"Engaged! To a maiden fair, With bright brown hair, And a sweet and simple smile, Who waits for me By the sounding sea, On a South Pacific isle." Severus explained, then talking to himself "A lie! No maiden waits me there!"

"She has bright brown hair;" Helena sang in despair.

"A lie! No maiden smiles on me!" Severus admitted to himself.

"By the sounding sea!" The Grey Lady, sang woefully. Suddenly the ghost let out a deafening scream, "Oh agony, rage, despair! The maiden has bright brown hair and mine is as white as snow! False man, it will be your fault, if I go to my family vault, to bury my life-long woe!"

She screamed and flew through Severus and out the wall behind him. Severus felt very scared and very confused.


	50. Peter Pettigrew

Author Note: And so we come to the pennultimate chapter of The Romantic Conquests of Severus Snape, I would like to warn you that there may be a delay in the posting of the final chapter because it's loooooong. Farewell!

* * *

Peter scurried through the wall from the linen cupboard in the bathroom to wardrobe. Once he was in the spacious dark cupboard he turned back into his human form.

He took a seat on one of the crates of chocolate cream-filled penises, which Severus hadn't got round to destroying yet, and watched through a small opening as Severus dressed after his shower.

He picked up a stray box of chocolate cream-filled penises and started munching on the contents. Peter couldn't understand why people didn't eat them, he thought they were delicious.

Suddenly the wardrobe door burst open. Severus stood there in nothing but boxer shorts.

"Wormtail, what the bloody hell are you…" Severus paused when he saw what Peter was eating, "OH MY GOD YOU'RE ACTUALLY EATING THOSE!" he screamed.

"Yes," Peter said, "they're delicious."

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT THEM!" Severus yelled.

"Why not?" Peter asked.

"Why not? Because they're supposed to be some kind of symbolic icon of my fear of chocolate, cream and being homoerotically dominated, not a snack food! Only the lust eater in chapter 30 was allowed to eat them, and it was a vegetable so it didn't count," Severus explained angrily.

"But they're yummy," Peter protested, "try one."

"OH HELL NO!"

And with that, Severus grabbed Pettigrew by the back of his collar and threw him out the window, returning to his dressing in peace


	51. Rita and Snappy

Author Note. Ha ha. It is finally here… enjoy dear readers.

Neilsen Clytemnestra Bathsheba Eurydice Prescott Kitteridge of Slytherin House and Sutton Jason Ulysses Alexander Worth Jarvis of Ravenclaw House were two seventh year students, with a difference. Of course no-one ever called them Neilsen and Sutton, and lived, everyone called them Jayne (Neilsen) and Trip (Sutton). The reason they were different from the others was that they liked to pull pranks, in a big way. For example, in their fifth year, while Professor McGonagall was in hospital, they plastered her office with pornography. When McGonagall saw it, she had to go back to St. Mungo's for two weeks. Now don't go about saying that they're merely knock offs of Fred and George and the Marauders, because not only will they brutally torture you, they will explain the difference. When the Weasley twins push Filch over, he falls flat on his face, gets up and gives the Weasleys a month of detention. When Trip and Jayne push Filch over, he falls down a ten story stairwell, dies, is miraculously but painfully resurrected, offered "Poon" by Su Li and THEN gives the Weasleys a month of detention.

One evening, Trip descended from the Randy Ravenclaw Tower and headed for the Sexy Slytherin Dungeons, where Jayne was waiting for him. Trip couldn't help laughing when he saw her, she was dressed like Rita Skeeter.

"Oh shut up!" Jayne snapped. Trip immediately stopped laughing.

"Have you got the potion?" Jayne asked.

"Yes," Trip said, producing two cans of Ready-made Polyjuice Potion (An invention that they patented themselves, in their first year. Suck it Weasleys.). He handed her the Rita Skeeter flavoured one.

"May contain BEETLE WINGS!?" Jayne yelled, "What the fuck did you do?"

"Nothing," he replied a bit too hastily. There was a loud piercing scream from a nearby broom cupboard.

"WHERE THE FUCK IS MY LEFT ARM?" The voice screamed.

Trip pulled the door open and screamed "Requiem in mortis!"

There was a blinding violet flash and the screaming stopped. Trip looked at his own Rita Skeeter's as yet unnamed photographer flavoured potion.

"May contain toenails?" Trip read.

Jayne pointed and laughed, "Serves you bloody right."

They opened the cans and drank the contents, immediately transforming in Rita Skeeter and her photographer.

"You ready for this?" Jayne asked, putting her hand on the door knob.

"As ever," Trip replied getting his camera ready.

Jayne opened the door and Trip immediately snapped a photo of Professor Snape. Severus blinked, temporarily blinded.

"Severus Snape…" Jayne said, imitating Skeeter's voice perfectly, "Prestigious Potions Master and Pimpin' Player."

"If you think I'm "pimpin'" you should meet Su Li, operates a brothel from the Owlery," Snape interrupted.

"Oh, we've met her," the photographer said from the corner.

"ANYWAY," Jayne said, glaring at him. "Upon the release of your… biography, 'The Romantic Conquests of Severus Snape', written by those two… uhm…" she snapped her fingers in Trip's direction, "You! Adjective!"

"Uhm, saucy?" Trip suggested.

"…Saucy students, Neilson Kitteridge and Sutton Jarvis. What are your opinions on these two, idiotic dunderheads or impressive intellects?"

"I'm actually rather proud of Trip and Jayne, I feel that they have come far since their first year, their abilities in Defense and Potions are most impressive," Snape explained.

"So, you're saying that they're an asset to Hogwarts?" Jayne asked.

"Yes," Severus replied, "I feel that those two will go far in the world. The only thing I could have wished was that Trip had been placed in Slytherin."

"I note that you refer to the two students in question by their… chosen names," Jayne pointed out, "would you say that you're close to the pair?"

"You could say that yes," Severus replied.

"Since he's banging her mother." Trip muttered from the corner.

"Now, the biography. Chapter one Andromeda Tonks. Raunchy reflection of your school days, or complete and utter bullshit?" Jayne asked.

"Well, I did cut myself,"

Jayne let out a concerned whimper.

"And our friendship did blossom,"

Jayne gave a sigh of joy.

"And we did shag like rabbits one summer."

"Ooh," Jayne said excitedly while Trip wolf-whistled.

"But I am NOT Nymphadora's father, thank God."

A yell came from the next room. "DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA!!!!"

"Hush my little lamb," a voice said.

Jayne blinked. "What the fuck?" she said quietly.

"Quite," Snape said, shuddering.

"The Minerva chapter," Jayne continued, "How did you feel when a woman, a good forty years older than you, was coming onto you?"

"I felt scared," Severus said.

"Yes."

"And betrayed."

"She was your teacher wasn't she?"  
"Yes."

"What did you feel like doing when she asked you to accompany her to the ball?" Jayne asked.

"I felt like strangling her," Severus admitted. "But I refrained."

"Good call," Jayne said softly. "Now, Rolanda Hooch, she was your colleague, and an international Quidditch legend, did you ever… look up to her?"

"No, no one actually takes any notice of her, she's just treated as part of the furniture." Severus explained.

"Oh snap," Jayne said, winking, "the-boy-who-lived-multiple-times also came onto you, did you ever think it could have worked?"

"Well, he has got nice eyes," Severus said laughing.

"And good legs," Trip added.

Jayne turned and stared in disbelief. She turned back to the teacher.

"Albus Dumbledore," Jayne continued, "now, this chapter wasn't true, was it?"

"No."

"You lied, didn't you?"

"Yes, it wasn't how he died, he got a very nasty head wound but he didn't die."

"Neville Longbottom, daydreaming in detention, how shocking is that?" Jayne asked.

"I'm just glad that his dream never came true," Severus said with a shudder.

"I should imagine that all the fangirls are celebrating that," Jayne said, "and how did you feel about the way those Weasley twins accosted you in the corridor, proud that they were showing their true sexual tendencies towards your own person, or concerned about the blatant theme of twincestral desire?"

"Oh gods, to be honest," Severus began.

"For once," Trip muttered.

"Quiet Snappy!" Jayne shot a glare at the Ravenclaw.

Snape smirked.

"So, you were saying?"

"To be honest," Snape continued, "I was glad to get a chance for revenge. Those two are responsible for half of the renovations on my classroom. It became a great way to insure obedience, even if it was incredibly disturbing."

"And Trelawney, a traumatising experience?" Jayne asked.

The dark man before her shuddered.

"They say a picture speaks a thousand words, how many does a shudder say?" Jayne asked, curious.

"Ten," Severus replied, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, DISGUSTING!"

Jayne laughed softly.

"I've always found it… intriguing how you can… jump about in time," Jayne said, "like in the Luna Lovegood chapter."

"It's fanfiction, anything can happen."

"Yeah, like Voldemort taking a bath, which brings us to our next chapter, Bellatrix. (which doesn't have the most reviews this time 'round)"

"OH WHAT!?" Trip yelled from the back.

"Shut up Snappy or you won't get laid for a month!" Jayne screamed.

Severus laughed.

"What were your thoughts when Bellatrix had you pinned against the wardrobe?" Jayne inquired.

"Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, disgusting!"

Jayne laughed, "Enough said. Draco Malfoy actually got a kiss in, how has your relationship with your godson changed since that event?"

"Haven't spoken to him," Snape said. "An I'm not going to."

"Quite," Jayne said, "now, Dolores Umbridge?"

"Can't we skip that one?" Trip interrupted, "I just ate."

"I agree whole heartedly." Snape added.

"Right then," Jayne continued, "Lord Voldemort?"

"I should like to refer the honorable lady to the answers given to the questions surrounding chapters eight and ten."

"I see," Jayne said, winking, "Lucius Malfoy seemed to boast great phallal capacity. Do you know how true his claims were?"

"Total trouser stuffer," Severus said loudly.

"You know this how?" trip asked.

"Narcissa told me," Severus said as though it explained everything.

"Very good," Jayne said, "now chapter fifteen?"

Severus blushed.

"One reviewer said that Hermione took over the show in later chapters, do you think this is true?" Jayne asked.

"She was very much an asset to my biography as she was to my life- at least until the Grey Lady chapter."

Trip made a whipping sound.

"You're one to talk!" Jayne exclaimed.

Severus laughed.

"Another trip down memory lane," Jayne said, "was the chapter with that very sexy werewolf, Remus lupin."

"Should I be worried?" trip asked.

"No dear," jayne assured him, "He's married… and has a kid… with Tonks… stupid pink-haired bitch… Anywho, was that an accurate reflection of events?"

"No it wasn't."

Jayne's eyes lit up, trip wolf whistled and Severus blushed.

"Now, the chapter with the Greek Gods," Jayne spoke through panted breaths, "How was that relevant to your life?"

"I was a Trojan mailman in a previous existence." Severus stated frankly.

It was at this point that Trip and Jayne's polyjuice potion wore off. Neither student noticed but Snape did. His eyebrow raised as he contemplated revenge.

"Oh yes…" Jayne said, flirting grotesquely, "and Buckbeak's chapter, what are your personal views on bestiality?"

"As long as it has nothing to do with me, its fine," Severus said grimacing.

Trip smirked.

"When Ronald Weasley came onto you, in an attempt to make Hermione jealous, how did you feel when Hermione revealed your health… condition to all people residing at Hogwarts?" Jayne asked.

"I felt betrayed," Severus began, "but the make up sex was well worth it."

Trip whistled again.

"Now there's something that's been bothering me," Jayne started.

"What's that?" Seveus asked, truly curious.

"Are you the father of Deimos Malfoy?"

"No… Of course not," Severus replied coolly, "why would you suggest that? Lucius is his father, not me."

Jayne chuckled, "We asked Narcissa the same question, we got the same reply… but we didn't believe her."

"Why not?"

"because, Deimos is far too attractive to possibly be related to Lucius Malfoy," Trip explained.

"Jayne winked at Severus, "It's alright, we can keep a secret."

Severus laughed sheepishly.

"Lavender Brown?" jayne asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Slut." He replied nonchalantly.

"Yes… Now Gellert Grindlewald, as it turns out, didn't die fifteen years before you were born, he was in fact, imprisoned in Europe."

"That doesn't mean he can come onto me!" Severus objected.

"Oh yeah, because him being dead would have stopped him." Trip retorted sarcastically.

"Shut up Snappy!" Jayne yelled. "And Seamus Finnegan, what thought were going through your head at the time?"

"The only gay in Gryffindor my arse."

Trip raised his eyebrows in question. "Is that an invitation?"

"Snappy, I believe that pleasure is reserved for Lupin," Severus said quietly.

Jayne's jaw dropped. "WHAT!? Parvati?"

"That tactic doesn't work for just anyone Sweetheart."

At that moment, the door burst open, Hermione stepped in, wand in hand.

"Sectum-"

"Stupify." Trip shot at her back.

He kicked the motionless form out of the door and locked it. "carry on teacher."

"Rubeus Hagrid."

Severus paled.

"I think we'll just skip that one," Jayne said, "Dean Thomas? Do you think it really could have worked?"

"Well, I do have a thing for black boys."

"WHAT!?" Trip yelled from the corner.

"I was kidding."

"Yeah, riiight," Jayne rolled her eyes. "That's what they all say. Even Trip- I mean Snappy." She looked up at him innocently. "Arthur Weasley?"

"Too naïve to really come onto me. So I thought why not spice up his sex life?" Severus stated.

"Peeves?, was Hermione pregnant?"

"No, I just do that to a woman."

"So it's not just me?" Trip piped up.

Jayne blinked. "The Fat Lady?"

"Never gone back to Gryffindor tower." Severus said shuddering.

"Pomona Sprout, your colleague and fellow head of house."

"Not anymore."

"Yeah? Who replaced her?" Trip asked

"Longbottom." He replied much to his chagrin.

"He's only seventeen!"

"And yet, he is the best that we've got."

"Does that mean I can teach Potions if I kill you? Then I can finally get rid of Potter!"

"No." Severus said turning back to Jayne.

"Molly Weasley?"

"Ruined Christmas forever!"

"Enough said. How did it feel to be dead?"

"Number Two? The only gave me Number Two? I'm the freaking bat of the dungeons! I terrify students and make them afraid to even freaking breathe! And they give me Number freaking Two!"

Jayne stared at him.

"It wasn't actually that bad. Until James bloody Potter turned up." He sneered.

"And the Sorting Hat, another trip-"

"What?"

"Not you Snappy!" Jayne yelled. "Another journey down memory lane?"

"Unfortunately, yes. I was quite glad when the Dark lord set the freakish, perverted hat on fire. Even more glad when he put it on Longbottom's head."

"You're a dark dog aren't you? Speaking of black dogs… Sirius Black?"

"Moving on."

"Understood. Moaning Myrtle?"

"SHE'S A BLOODY GHOST WHERE IF THE LOGIC!?"

"And I thought her lusting for Potter was bad enough." Trip chimed in.

"Slughorn?"

Severus looked up fearfully.

"You're welcome" Trip said.

"Flitwick?" Jayne continued.

"The M Cup was actually kind of scary. But do you really think I could make Man United and meet David Beckham?"

"No. He lives in America now."

"Crap," Severus said, snapping his fingers in disappointment.

"Anyway, you wouldn't be so intimidating with your legs showing."

"Professor Kitteridge holds high esteem for my legs thank you very much!" he snapped.

"Holds more for mine." Trip whispered.

"Take that back!"

"The Ginny Weasley chapter." Jayne said, distracting the two men.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY-" Ron screamed, running into the room.

"Avada Kedavra." Jayne pointed over her sholouder and fired.

"You know that curse rips your soul apart?"

"Yeah, but no one in my family has had a soul since 1236…"

Snape looked impressed.

"BC"

The professor let out a low whistle.

"Anyway, Ginny Weasley, how did you feel, finding out that Dumbledore had exactly the same problem with the Weasley clan?"

"Uhm… I sympathise- Great Auntie Muriel didn't approach me."

"She would have, I'm sure of it. Only she's never heard of you." Trip spoke up.

"It's true you know," Jayne agreed. "Pansy Parkinson."

"It was worth lying about Filch's heritage just to see the look on her face."

"Quite. Nearly Headless nick."

"AGAIN A GHOST GODDAMNIT!" Severus yelled.

"Argus Filch-"

"How did they know about that?"

Trip snapped a quick photo.

"They didn't, it was thrown in randomly."

"Well it never happened!" Severus defended himself.

"Sure," Jayne said while Trip nodded in the background. "Alastor Moody."

"Knowing he's mentally undressing me whenever he 'sees' me, I try to keep the contact to a minimum." He said.

"Dobby the houself."

Severus shuddered.

Trip grinned. "Elf Porn… Icky."

Jayne went pale.

"Quirrel?"

"We shall never speak of this again- but I was somewhat impressed with HIS phallal capacity."

Jayne smirked. "Not a trouser stuffer?"

"No. Not in the slightest."

"Mundungus Fletcher? Have you ever purchased anything from him?"

"Never have, never will!"

"Very wise of you. The Carrows?"

"Here you go professor," Trip smiled, pulling a slip of paper out of his pocket.

"A glazier's bill? I don't think so."

"Nymphadora Tonks-Lupin?"

"DON'T CALL ME NYMPHADORA!" came from the next room followed by a quieter "Hush my little lamb." Which was undeniably the soft tones of her husband.

Jayne blinked in shock.

"It runs in the family I guess." Snape said.

"Gilderoy Lockhart?"

"Mentally deranged before, mentally deranged now. Always will be."

"The Grey Lady?"

"Was more confusing than disturbing. But Hermione left and shacked up with Ron and I shacked up with Ariadne Kitteridge. And I tell you, she is much better in the sack than Bucky ever was."

Jayne went a slight shade of green.

"And I can see where this is going. So don't even go there!"

"But it's Peter Pettigrew!" Trip protested.

Jayne was still in a nauseous stupor.

"Exactly. It's Peter Pettigrew."

"Eating chocolate cream filled penises. It doesn't get funnier."

"Not a chance camera boy!"

Jayne shook her head.

"That's fine professor," Jayne said. "Thank you for the interview."

With that she stood up, grabbed Professor Snape's head and kissed him full on the lips. She turned and strutted towards the door, Trip following.

"Rita, Snappy," Professor Snape called out. "100 points each from Ravenclaw and Slytherin, for not realizing that the Polyjuice potion wore off an hour and a half ago!"

Trip and Jayne looked at each other.

"Crap." He said.

"Threat… what can we threaten him with. Blackmail is always the answer." She whispered softly.

Her eyes lit up evilly and she turned to him.

"Give the points back, or we write a Crabbe and Goyle chapter- where they get lucky! AND I tell Mum you have genital warts."

Trip looked smugly at his friend.

Severus looked horrified at his girlfriend's daughter.

"You wouldn't."

"Try me."

"You're bluffing."

"He was stalking the corridors looking for rule breaking students where he came across Vincent Crabbe and Greg Goyle leaning against a wall… "We've been waiting for you" they said simultaneously."

Severus went pale.

"Take them. Take the points back."

Trip and Jayne smirked and skipped out of the dungeons.

FIN


	52. Muriel Weasley or Ariadne Kitteridge

Author note… we thought it was finished and then we did a massive rewrite, adding chapters, taking some out. And then we decided to add this one…

The bell rung.

The students clambered from their seats.

He locked his classroom and walked away.

(oh fack it, I'm over this)

Severus Snape was walking up stairs to meet up with Ariadne Kitteridge the new Charms Professor (since Flitwick hadn't survived the fall out of the window in chapter 37) and his girlfriend (since Hermione had left him for Won Won during chapter 49)

He passed Trip and Jayne and they smirked at him.

He shuddered, he hadn't been able to look at them since they'd threatened him with genital warts in the previous chapter.

He was stalking across the Entrance Hall.

"Excuse me Young Man,"

Snape turned on the spot to eye an elderly woman who could probably be compared to Dumbledore as far as age went.

"May I help you?"

"Oh, such a polite young gentleman. Lost on the youth of today. Yes, I am Muriel Weasley. I am looking for Professor Severus Snape."

"OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! THEY STORY WAS FINSIHED, PUBLISHED AND TURNED INTO A MOVIE ALREADY!"

Muriel looked shocked.

He could hear Trip and Jayne snickering in the Great Hall.

"But we are meant to be together."

"Severus, darling? What is this?"

Ariadne glared at Muriel from the top of the staircase.

"This will be good," Jayne whispered to Trip when they stole a peek around the side of the door.

"AVAD KEDAVRA!" Ariadne screamed, her wand pointed at the eldest surviving Weasley… well not surviving anymore.

Severus smiled softly at the charms professor. "But it rips your soul apart…"

She smiled softly and led him into the Great Hall.


End file.
